apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just tell him i said nine months
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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