Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
