dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
