It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
