it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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