Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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