fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize