well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
