I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
