My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
