hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
