I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
