btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize