someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
