In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
