So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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