ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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