If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
