I wish my penis had an off switch
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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