I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
