he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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