If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My feet surprised me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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