im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
