chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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