Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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