u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
