I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just cropdusted the office
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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