I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
