In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
