i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
