I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
