I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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