Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
