Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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