dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
