I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
