Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
