In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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