I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
