if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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