The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
