i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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