Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
