when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
do herpes really smell.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize