life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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