I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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