Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
