So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize