I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
