So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
