apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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