im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
