I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
