My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
