She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
