you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
