im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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