I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
