the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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