I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
