My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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