Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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